the Thinking of toastySpoon

so, i went off to open mic night last night and think I played a whole lot better than last time, although emily doesn't seem to agree :S so I dunno whether to go back to last time or keep it the same, hmm. contemplation for this week.

off to comedy store tonight with work, hopefully wont be too messy. one of the directors has gone missing, how crazy is that?

mental diarehhoa (sp?)

J x

... I just dont know what it is yet.

So, yesterday I go up to cambridge to chill out after tuesday nights fun *zicka zicka* REWIND!!!

So, tuesday night Andy pulls us all back and rips us a new arsehole about figures that are being made and how he's fucked off he's not paying us more. Because if he was paying us more we'd be earning more for the company. Proper old school sales meeting, jobs in jeopardy etc.

SOOOO, yesterday I go to cambridge to chill out after tuesday nights fun. A day of going into meetings and talking face to face with people who havent been taking my calls. And theres this once company i've wanted for ages who actually listened, and will be giving me business. Insane! It was beautiful sunshine and might even have given me some drive :S:S whoa.

Once home, JD and Matt came over for a bit to look at the flat, which was nice to see then I got my bed into the bedroom and had the first normal nights sleep I've had in well over a month. So liberating to be able to sleep deeply again I will sign any petition for the death of all blowup mattresses.

J x

word.

So, I sort of skipped out on yesterdays entry, not a huge amount to write about to be honest. I'm slowly finding my motivation to just do things the way Mark and Andy say they should be done. If that still doesn't work then I'll just do the work that works at home and do what they say during the day. It's a big sacrifice but I have to succeed at this, it feels like my last shot.

So whats the rest of my life like? Emily is great as usual, just being a rock for me while I'm going through all this shit. I really think she's starting to understand . This week I'm going to be rubbing my walls down ready for a weekend of decoration which will be the final decoration on the lounge, hall, and bedroom, except for the wooden floors. Then up go the mirrors, pictures and guitars onto the walls, its going to look double swish.

Thursday night ill probably go do open mic again, so if anyone knows the Good Companions in Warlingham I'll be the one doing songs you've never heard before.

Friday night it's the end of the financial year, so we (the guys at work) are off the comedy store in clapham/battersea to chill out and get ready for monday, being the beginning of my first full year in the business.

Other stuff:

* Not going to drink during the week as far as possible
* Keep going with this very small nicotine intake
* Do something to take the flat onwards every day

J x (abrupt end, couldnt be arsed to sign off)

So I went up the Goodies last night and did the open mic night up there. That was good fun but I'm feeling it right now. I was the only one there who was playing original material so I was a bit edgy, but it was received really well. I had an 87 year old fan, that was cool for some reason I couldnt play Seaside by the Kooks, just didnt work both times I went up, next time I shall use my guitar and see what happens.
It's taken me like half an hour to write this much with the pounding thats going on in my head, so I'm going to leave it.

J x

Not a huge amount to say this morning... But i thought I'd write something to stay in the habit

Parents are twats. All except mine.

This is all.

J x

So Last night I found myself picking holes in pretty much everything Emily said, and although I thought I was picking those holes for perfectly good reasons I shouldn't have been because its just not tolerent enough.

Why am I not being tolerent?

Well I didn't know until I sat down and just let everything come out to her, and it turns out that I just feel like I'm failing and I can't see a way out. It sort of boils down to all the potential everyone has always told me I have. Right from the days where me and Dan would sit down in year 4 teaching year 6's how to program a computer, people have always told me I could do whatever I wanted to do, and get to wherever I wanted to get to. And guess what? I want to be a successful leasing salesman, I want to be earning more than basic, I want to have true friends, I want to complete my band, I want to write better songs, I want to quit smoking, I want to be more comfortable in my own skin. But I'm not, so all those people have been lying to me, stealing my dreams from me before they were even dreams.
But you know what? They might still be right. Because I WILL NOT allow myself to be run of the mill. I WILL find a way out, I just can't see it at the moment. I will stop failing and start succeeding, I owe it to everyone who ever believed in me. I owe it to Dan, we were both meant to succeed and I wonder whether he was realising that he wasn't succeeding in the few months leading up to his death. He was always one several steps ahead of me!
Don't worry, I'm not about to hang myself, he's shown me how much I don't want to put the same people through the same thing. Plus I'm scared less people would turn up to my funeral.

J x

And I think it should give me some motivation, as planned. I decided not to try to find the money to get one last night when they came out, and people will say thats because I'm broke and thats partly correct. But the other side is that I know that I wont settle for not going this year, having gone for the first time last year. So there's only one thing for it... Earn more. It's not like I can "save" for it because I don't have anything else I can cut back on, so now its time to earn some hardcore cash so I can pay for my ticket and everything else I need. The ticket will be the kick up the arse, especially as Emily already has one :S:S:S:S

I have absolutely no doubt that I'll be there, giving it huge amounts of needless drinking and good times

In other news, I was sure I was going to wake up this morning puking my guts out, but I must have a pretty strong stomach. When I didnt have a fridge/freezer I left my frozen prawns in a cool box, and they defrosted. I then put them in my new freezer and ate them last night.... could have been nasty! Luckily I've clearly lined my stomach quite well over the years

In other other news, I'm bored. But here goes ok? I'm gonna go make some friends on the phone and have people strike partnerships with me.

J x

So today I've been living in my flat for one whole calendar month, which is pretty cool. I also just started decorating it on saturday, which is also cool.

I'm sitting at work, yet to pick up the phone wondering whether I'm going to make any money this month. It seems to be a bit of a lottery, so here's hoping and I've got my fingers crossed that I'm a lucky boy.

Emily is wonderful, and I'd hate to be in her position right now. She's with someone who clearly sponges off her at all oppurtunities, even though she knows he doesnt want to, and it embarrasses him on many levels. She doesn't know how long it will be until this finishes and he can provide for them both. On top of this, she is supposed to be moving in with him and has been given an ultimatum of sorts from her parents to stop her. He's sure that the first point will impact on her decision of which option to take. This makes him sad. He is Me.

J x

I'm reckoning we wont raise as much for comic relief as usual this time around. On my way to work this morning, all the schoolkids I saw were wearing school uniform. Yes- school uniform at comic relief :S What is the world coming to? All the pupils in all the schools in the country donating 50p to be able to wear their own clothes on this day is a huge way of making money for the charities involved. I think its pretty fucking abysmal that people cant be arsed to raise money. I don't believe so much in the far flung areas of the world that we're raising money for, but there are plenty of areas of our own country which will benefit so much from a day like today to warrant every man, woman, and child donating something - anything.

I did my bit, however small. I text a couple of times to keep colin murray in fame academy last night and it didnt work but I know the money will be well spent.

In other news, I'm well looking forward to painting my ceilings this weekend. Whoop.

J x

So I'm sitting in Emily's room and I feel fucking wonderful cleansed, free and focused. I decided to get out of the office and get myself up to Southed-On-Sea to walk around the industrial estates and give me some time to think about what I'm doing and where I want to be and how to get there. The weather was beautiful and I couldn't resist taking a little bit of time to sit on the seafront and people watch.

Then I came back and sat in a coffee shop in Reigate for a while and read the paper - how very intellectual of me. I completed all the puzzles including the crossword, which I have never done before I think. Yay. I read about politics that don't really interest me just to feel educated, sort of like whoring myself to the Daily Mail and its propaganda ways.

I took a walk through the graveyard, its strangely beautiful and thought provoking. Like smoking an eigth without the hangover and tiredness. So I wrote some lyrics, not that they will be of any use because they are for a song which I cant play acoustically and I still havent found a bassist.

Anyways, thats enough mindless ramblings that noone will read so I'll sign out.

J x

Admission: I have never been able to hold down a regular blog, but i have always thought I should. I had one over at blog-city.com which I used to update like once a year and it was nice to look over but it seems to have disappeared which is a shame.

So, here I am. Starting afresh here, and I'm going to try to make it more frequent. I don't want to go into details in the first post about who I am, I'm sure I'll let more go as time goes on.

Right now I'm a bit down. Not im13andimgoingtoslitmywristsbutonlyafteriwriteinmyblog down, but just a little defeated. Work isnt going great. By now I should be getting some money in and living a good life but it's just not working the way I envisaged when I started. Mark and Andy gave me a bollocking last night about getting my call stats and meetings up, increasing my exposure in my patch. Im like IM TRYING for fucks sake. So now I'm going to try harder.
Then there's the music side. Music has always been something I've done to ease any pain and let feelings and emotions out in a healthy and productive way. But if I don't find a bassist soon I'm going to have to stop, its driving me insane.

Good things: Emily. I'll say no more for now.

Have a good day, I'm going to try to.

J x