So Last night I found myself picking holes in pretty much everything Emily said, and although I thought I was picking those holes for perfectly good reasons I shouldn't have been because its just not tolerent enough.

Why am I not being tolerent?

Well I didn't know until I sat down and just let everything come out to her, and it turns out that I just feel like I'm failing and I can't see a way out. It sort of boils down to all the potential everyone has always told me I have. Right from the days where me and Dan would sit down in year 4 teaching year 6's how to program a computer, people have always told me I could do whatever I wanted to do, and get to wherever I wanted to get to. And guess what? I want to be a successful leasing salesman, I want to be earning more than basic, I want to have true friends, I want to complete my band, I want to write better songs, I want to quit smoking, I want to be more comfortable in my own skin. But I'm not, so all those people have been lying to me, stealing my dreams from me before they were even dreams.
But you know what? They might still be right. Because I WILL NOT allow myself to be run of the mill. I WILL find a way out, I just can't see it at the moment. I will stop failing and start succeeding, I owe it to everyone who ever believed in me. I owe it to Dan, we were both meant to succeed and I wonder whether he was realising that he wasn't succeeding in the few months leading up to his death. He was always one several steps ahead of me!
Don't worry, I'm not about to hang myself, he's shown me how much I don't want to put the same people through the same thing. Plus I'm scared less people would turn up to my funeral.

J x